It’s time for change
The creative principle needs opposition in order to Manifest — Gurdjieff
Opposition. I’ve come to the conclusion that I seek opposition before it can find me. That’s not the kind that manifests creativity. I create it, linger in it then complain about it. I seek opportunities, I get them, I find something wrong, magnify that and downhill we go, me and my opportunities. I get back up because if this one doesn’t work, the next one might, right?
You can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them — Einstein
Thanks Einstein but HOW?!?
I only realize this after or when I’m doing it again. In fact, I am doing it again right at this moment by complaining that I dont catch myself sooner! But hold on, instead of thinking that I’m a horrible, negative whining person that no-one likes to be around and that I’ll die alone…why don’t I admit that this is an area in which I am (un)consciously incompetent and make a lesson/goal out of it. It is painful and vulnerable but it’s real and mature.
On a side note: I have to want to improve whatever it is I am incompetent at.
Sadly, I have to admit that for a long time I didn’t WANT to stop thinking negatively, I didn’t want to stop feeling sorry for myself and play the victim. I didn’t want to look within for the answers, I also didn’t know any better, I allowed the negativity in, let it expand and found comfort in its familiarity. Until it no-longer served its purpose. The threats are over, the majority of tears have been cried yet I am still on guard.
I can be a pretty good actor, I can act helpless, powerless, the lady in distress. Poor me because I don’t know what to do or which action to take next. Poor me because I consciously get myself into shitty situations. I tell myself I do something because I see potential. The diamond in the rough. Oh the time I have spent on something or someone with ‘theoretical potential’ without actually Feeling it.
So, why the hell don’t I teach myself to get the fuck out of those situations in time or not even go there in the first place. No more waiting until the last moment, until someone else or time or fate or the decision fairy decides for me. And guess what? When that happens I get to be the victim again because one, I didn’t choose it and two, the consequences affect me. It’s like not dodging a ball when I see it coming and blaming the player for doing what he’s supposed to do on the field. He wants to play a good match, and I’m just standing there because I’m in the wrong game in the first place. In fact, I don’t even want to play. Not sure why I’m using a ball game metaphor here, I have no interest in them at all but I guess that makes it a perfect metaphor. I don’t like ball games so why would I play them? Consequently, If I don’t like the professional/personal environment I’m in or the way someone treats me then why stick around? In the hopes of either the game getting better or me getting better at the game? Does that make sense? It’s also related to what Oprah calls ‘Disease to please’. I want to maintain harmony, I want to be liked and appreciated, sometimes at the expense of what is good for me.
When I find myself in a challenging situation I go for the flight or freeze response. I definitely don’t want to fight. I get depressed and complain that I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I start looking for something or someone else to focus on. Optimistic at first, because this time it will be different. Surely it is, no experience is the same but there will be other obstacles because the key lesson still has not been learnt.
Balance, that’s what this is about. Not quitting (running) prematurely just to play it safe but also not letting things drag on (freezing) in the hopes that they will get better or out of fear of the unknown or potential rejection.
I’m actually too smart for my own bullshit. Maybe I’m just looking for drama because I’m bored. Bored with the routines, the small talk, the predictability, the mindfucks of feeling sorry for myself but not doing anything about it. The pretense, the games.
What if I tried to spend the otherwise drama-wasted time in a useful manner? I’m actually good at things, I enjoy stuff, why don’t I focus on them? Or, nothing, just do nothing and feel what I’m feeling. Upset, sad, lonely or angry. Not everything needs to be fixed immediately.
When I want something, it doesn’t need to happen right now. I would like to trust that things happen at the right time. That there’s even a chance that things can be better than I imagined. I sometimes squirm like a child that doesn’t know which candy to pick, throw a tantrum out of frustration and blame the giver for offering too many or too few options to choose from. Or I only pick one because I think that’s the one he/ she wants me to pick or that’s what someone else would pick. I create a fuss and draw attention to myself but fail to act in my own best interest which can be so simple when it’s authentic. Vicious cycle, anyone? I can only imagine people watching me shaking their heads thinking: look at Jane going at the hamsterwheel again. She’s got something, if only she could see it.
The conclusion? I will work on my (in)competencies to:
- Be decisive and listen to what I want / don’t want. Trust my gut.
- See the opportunities in the challenges. Sit with / meditate on the difficult feelings without running away. See the bigger picture.
- Be consciously competent at catching myself drifting into the negative and complaining frequency. Eventually being able to stop or transform this behavior by rerouting my attention elsewhere, sit with it or write it down before I express a.k.a dump it outwardly.
- Be able to fight when I have to.